July 5th, 2011
I ran into a friend tonight who broke my heart. She broke it right out of it's cold, hard shell that it's so keen to develop. I've been trying so desperately to be strong lately that I've completely forgotten I don't have to be. I try to do everything on my own and have found it nearly impossible.
Walking through life alone has been such a grueling and tiresome endeavor.
I find it hard to give even the smallest concern or worry over to God because it seems easier to take care of it myself rather than to trust someone who's power can feel so intangible. I find it hard to let go until I realize once again (after so often forgetting) that He loves me on a scale far, far greater than I could ever see or imagine or fathom, ever. He created everything in it's intricate beauty and calls us His children...reaching out to us endlessly, truly believing that we are His most prized creation. And though that ALL may sound like a bunch of cliche bull shit, I whole heartedly believe it is not, and the truth of it all quiets all my frustration and fear and gives me far more peace than i've ever known.
And I know I'll keep forgetting it...I always do. It may take me a while, but eventually, I will once again pick up my burdens and begin to carry them with me until my legs give out and point their "shame on you" fingers at me, wondering how I could possibly ask them to take another step. Then, there on my back, I will remember that I was never meant to endure such a voyage on my own.
All it took was an unexpected visit with an old friend to bring me to tears and break my heart wide open. She was so happy and beautiful. She had a glowing about her and seemed so full of love and had a freedom that I envied. All it took was her reminding me that she once too tried to control everything which resulted in severely screwing everything up. Then she told me I just needed to ask for the things I need and He will provide them for me. And I laughed because I can't remember the last time I asked OR thanked God for anything, and it's not as if he's a cashier behind a counter, handing out goodies. Why would He help someone of such fickle faith, going back and forth constantly as a tumbleweed being thrown about the wind? I felt I'd disappointed Him over the past couple years and this time I didn't care to try to win back His love. But she then reminded me of how dearly he loves us, whether we believe that or not, he does. She took my folded arms in her hands, looked me straight in the eyes and her sincere words dove straight into heart. Then the ripple effect...who'd have thought a tough cat like me would start shedding tears. Public place and all. It hit me straight in the gut like a punch that released all my anxiety and loneliness and fear and doubt, and then there was a sweet smelling, soft cloud to catch me as I fell and I rested there and woke completely restored. He will and can provide things for us, but he WANTS us to come to Him and ask to for them. He deeply longs for us to be happy. He loves endlessly. There is no ebb and flow about it, it is constant. It remains time and time again after bloodying my knuckles, from fighting the hands that long to embrace my wearied bones, to handle things on my own.
I don't understand that kind of love. My heart right now is hideous. It's meant to be big and open and full of grace and forgiveness and it's cold and bitter and guarded and it's wounded and holding onto hurt, but the slow process of it's softening up began to take place tonight as I let go. It took me a long time to realize all of that again.
Thank you sweet friend. Thank you, you ever faithful giant of a Father, you
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