It is small things like this, that I regret most.

All through my childhood and into my years of being a teenager, I was always a mama's girl.

I am the only girl and the youngest of 3 of us, I'm sure that had something to do with it. I am a lot like my dad in the way (one of many) that I hate being alone. We don't need to be with someone or be entertained or even necessarily interacting, but at the end of the day we long for the floating, comforting presence of another person. 

I remember as a girl he'd always ask me if I wanted to ride along with him somewhere, whether it be picking up pizza's for the nights mom didn't cook or out to his hunting spots (my father is an avid hunter and enjoys taking drives through the country to see what kind of game he can spot. I actually was thrilled anytime we would see animals while driving because as soon as he locked eyes on a naturally camouflaged deer/turkey (the usuals), he seemed to immediately revert back to childhood, eyes bulging nearly out of his head like seeing magic happen before your eyes on Christmas morning and repeatedly telling me (after hearing him good and well every, single time) to "well, look at THAT, would'ya!?" While also not being able to focus his ADHD eyes back on the road as we drove away. It's not often a daughter gets to see her old man in such a childlike state. It's heartwarming actually.)  He'd ask me to go to the hardware store with him when he had to make a run in the middle of a project or to the grocery store to pick up some missing ingredient.

Now, you, me and 12 year-old Alexis obviously know that every scenario I just listed does not seem the least bit appealing, but that wasn't the point and 12 year-old Alexis didn't get that.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so when he'd ask I would put on my squinty thinking face, break eye contact and look high up to the ceiling as if I were literally trying to see my own brain tell me what to do and "mmmmmmm...?" until he smiled and politely declined his invitation to get me out of something he knew I didn't want to do in the first place. 

It is small things like this, that I regret most. 

Something happened when I reached about age 17. I don't really remember when or what made the switch flip, but I specifically remember it being a certain moment in time in which it felt as if something as giant sized as a circus tent hit me smack in the head and I suddenly realized how much I loved my dad. I felt i'd rather eat dirt than let him go on another day with such an ignorant daughter. How many years I'd been taking him for granted. The number is shameful. Ever since I've been trying to make up for the lost time...I believe I will spend the rest of my days doing so. I respect and adore my dad more than any man on the planet and it took me far too long to realize that. He's deserved that for quite sometime.