You can never make them stay in one place.

Written on December 26th, 2011 about the latest addition to the pack, my new cub, Oaklee Claire Henry. I first got to meet her December 22nd when I flew home to spend Christmas with my family:

I held you today sweeter than i've ever held anyone.

Your tiny, heavy-breathing yet calm body up against my chest and teeny, velvet head in my hand while I rested my lips just soft against the other side so you felt warm and secure. I stood in front of the mirror and let you watch me sway you back and forth, back and forth, very slow, in hopes you'd not forget me when I go back home in 9 short days. I watch your big brown eyes as I smile at you and kiss your head and I don't know how but eventually I lose focus. I start examining the frown lines on my face and how slouchy my body looks when I hold you and how unbecoming I suddenly feel. I walk away from the mirror and pay no attention to anything now but all your tiny features. I can't believe how small your fingers are. You have some dinner residue underneath your ear but i'll get it later because I can't afford to move even your tiniest muscle, you're completely content in my arms. I almost don't believe i'll be able to love another child more than you 3 kids, but the day will come. I cannot help but tear up at the thought of raising and mothering and loving and teaching another itsy-bitsy creature like you. 

I had to eventually forfeit you over to your mother. I immediately went downstairs to the room I was staying in and quickly as I could, type out how content you made me feel. It was a moment I never wanted to give up to shortly become a memory. 

Like watching hundreds of flocks of birds overhead, it's majestic and moving, but you can never make them stay in one place.

Every seed must die before it grows...

July 5th, 2011

I ran into a friend tonight who broke my heart. She broke it right out of it's cold, hard shell that it's so keen to develop. I've been trying so desperately to be strong lately that I've completely forgotten I don't have to be. I try to do everything on my own and have found it nearly impossible. 

Walking through life alone has been such a grueling and tiresome endeavor. 

I find it hard to give even the smallest concern or worry over to God because it seems easier to take care of it myself rather than to trust someone who's power can feel so intangible. I find it hard to let go until I realize once again (after so often forgetting) that He loves me on a scale far, far greater than I could ever see or imagine or fathom, ever. He created everything in it's intricate beauty and calls us His children...reaching out to us endlessly, truly believing that we are His most prized creation. And though that ALL may sound like a bunch of cliche bull shit, I  whole heartedly believe it is not, and the truth of it all quiets all my frustration and fear and gives me far more peace than i've ever known. 

And I know I'll keep forgetting it...I always do. It may take me a while, but eventually, I will once again pick up my burdens and begin to carry them with me until my legs give out and point their "shame on you" fingers at me, wondering how I could possibly ask them to take another step. Then, there on my back, I will remember that I was never meant to endure such a voyage on my own.

All it took was an unexpected visit with an old friend to bring me to tears and break my heart wide open. She was so happy and beautiful. She had a glowing about her and seemed so full of love and had a freedom that I envied. All it took was her reminding me that she once too tried to control everything which resulted in severely screwing everything up. Then she told me I just needed to ask for the things I need and He will provide them for me. And I laughed because I can't remember the last time I asked OR thanked God for anything, and it's not as if he's a cashier behind a counter, handing out goodies. Why would He help someone of such fickle faith, going back and forth constantly as a tumbleweed being thrown about the wind? I felt I'd disappointed Him over the past couple years and this time I didn't care to try to win back His love. But she then reminded me of how dearly he loves us, whether we believe that or not, he does. She took my folded arms in her hands, looked me straight in the eyes and her sincere words dove straight into heart. Then the ripple effect...who'd have thought a tough cat like me would start shedding tears. Public place and all. It hit me straight in the gut like a punch that released all my anxiety and loneliness and fear and doubt, and then there was a sweet smelling, soft cloud to catch me as I fell and I rested there and woke completely restored. He will and can provide things for us, but he WANTS us to come to Him and ask to for them. He deeply longs for us to be happy. He loves endlessly. There is no ebb and flow about it, it is constant. It remains time and time again after bloodying my knuckles, from fighting the hands that long to embrace my wearied bones, to handle things on my own.

I don't understand that kind of love. My heart right now is hideous. It's meant to be big and open and full of grace and forgiveness and it's cold and bitter and guarded and it's wounded and holding onto hurt, but the slow process of it's softening up began to take place tonight as I let go. It took me a long time to realize all of that again.

Thank you sweet friend. Thank you, you ever faithful giant of a Father, you

It is small things like this, that I regret most.

All through my childhood and into my years of being a teenager, I was always a mama's girl.

I am the only girl and the youngest of 3 of us, I'm sure that had something to do with it. I am a lot like my dad in the way (one of many) that I hate being alone. We don't need to be with someone or be entertained or even necessarily interacting, but at the end of the day we long for the floating, comforting presence of another person. 

I remember as a girl he'd always ask me if I wanted to ride along with him somewhere, whether it be picking up pizza's for the nights mom didn't cook or out to his hunting spots (my father is an avid hunter and enjoys taking drives through the country to see what kind of game he can spot. I actually was thrilled anytime we would see animals while driving because as soon as he locked eyes on a naturally camouflaged deer/turkey (the usuals), he seemed to immediately revert back to childhood, eyes bulging nearly out of his head like seeing magic happen before your eyes on Christmas morning and repeatedly telling me (after hearing him good and well every, single time) to "well, look at THAT, would'ya!?" While also not being able to focus his ADHD eyes back on the road as we drove away. It's not often a daughter gets to see her old man in such a childlike state. It's heartwarming actually.)  He'd ask me to go to the hardware store with him when he had to make a run in the middle of a project or to the grocery store to pick up some missing ingredient.

Now, you, me and 12 year-old Alexis obviously know that every scenario I just listed does not seem the least bit appealing, but that wasn't the point and 12 year-old Alexis didn't get that.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so when he'd ask I would put on my squinty thinking face, break eye contact and look high up to the ceiling as if I were literally trying to see my own brain tell me what to do and "mmmmmmm...?" until he smiled and politely declined his invitation to get me out of something he knew I didn't want to do in the first place. 

It is small things like this, that I regret most. 

Something happened when I reached about age 17. I don't really remember when or what made the switch flip, but I specifically remember it being a certain moment in time in which it felt as if something as giant sized as a circus tent hit me smack in the head and I suddenly realized how much I loved my dad. I felt i'd rather eat dirt than let him go on another day with such an ignorant daughter. How many years I'd been taking him for granted. The number is shameful. Ever since I've been trying to make up for the lost time...I believe I will spend the rest of my days doing so. I respect and adore my dad more than any man on the planet and it took me far too long to realize that. He's deserved that for quite sometime.